Keep Britain Breastfeeding Scavenger Hunt

Yesterday, 23rd June, marked the first day of the Keep Britain Breastfeeding Scavenger Hunt. Many of you will know that I am not breastfeeding. I'd like to share my story.

When I was pregnant, I was determined to breastfeed. Bottle feeding was not an option. I didn't even buy any baby bottles as I was that sure that I would breastfeed. I was really looking forward to the bond and closeness with my baby and stereotypically, young mothers are seen as too lazy to breastfeed so I wanted to show that that's not true.

I went in and had C, you can read my birth story here, and because he was taken straight to the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit and I didn't get to see him for the first two days of his life, I was encouraged to express milk. He was only taking around 1ml at a time so I got my colostrum and then a very small amount of milk and continued. It upped slightly and I did find it extremely difficult. 

I had a 10 day hospital stay following the birth and I got Chris to bring me a breast pump, manual, as I had to share the hospital's electric one. I couldn't get more than 20ml per breast at each time. I tried looking at photographs of C and expressing every 3 hours, even through the night when milk supply is at its highest, but I was still unable to get large amounts. I felt embarrassed bringing my tiny bottles of expressed milk to the NICU. One night, I cried my eyes out to the staff. He was needing more milk so was being topped up with formula. He was still in his incubator and being fed through a tube. She told me that it's perfectly fine and it's hard for some people and that C was happy and thriving. She said "at least he's had some of your milk and especially the colostrum" but I still didn't give up. I still brought up those tiny amounts every few hours. He needed it.

I was discharged from hospital and C was brought to the Special Care Unit and into a cot so I could lift him. It was always very awkward visiting C. I felt like I was just there to see him and the nurses were looking after him. I was only offered the opportunity to try to get him to latch on once - and he wasn't able to get anything. In hindsight, I should have pushed it. I should have asked to do it more. They kept telling me that he was happy on formula. As a 20 year old first-time mum to a premature baby who didn't have a clue about anything, I listened to them. I stopped expressing and let them put him on formula. Even writing this post, nine months on, brings tears to my eyes. I let him down. I didn't push.

With any future babies that I may have, I will try my best and push more. But let's just say I am successful. I'll feel so guilty (well, even more so than I already am) for C. That I could breastfeed one of my children and not the other.